As humans, we tend to react to situations, specially the heated ones, based on our own perceptions and assumptions, we tend to believe what our brains tell us rather than believe what really happened.
We behave in an instinctive reactive mode, rather than a rational proactive mode.
We think that we’re reacting or making decisions objectively, while in reality we’re reacting and making decisions based on what makes sense to us, and only us — whether these decisions are regarding another person, regarding a certain situation at work, or regarding a relationship.
We’re extremely subjective by nature. We respond to others based on our perception of what they said, not what they actually meant; and this perception is affected by a lot of factors such as our experience, our age, our background, our beliefs, our current state of mind, and the nature of our relationship with that other person.
In the best-selling book Crucial Conversations, the authors urge us that when in situations of conflict to ask ourselves a specific question:
What Story Am I Telling Myself?
And how was this story formulated?
We believe that we act according to what our feelings dictate us. But what really happens is that:
- We see or hear a certain situation, attitude or behavior
- Based on what we’ve seen or heard, we tell ourselves a story which isn’t fully factual, a one-sided story that has a lot of holes, and these holes were only filled by our fiction and brilliant creativity—because “we know it all!”
- The story triggers a certain emotion or feeling, whether it’s anger, disappointment, fear, jealousy…etc.
- And we act according to this feeling
And this is more than enough to make things worse. Assumptions, and made-up stories by our minds are the worst enemies of effective communication and healthy relationships. They help boiling situations explode. Smart leaders & charismatic communicators never assume. They don’t allow themselves to become the victims of their own perception. They make themselves very clear, and they make sure they understand well what another person has to say before taking one step forward.
Before you assume ask questions, before your mind makes up a story revisit the facts, before you react make sure you have enough evidences that justifies your reaction. Otherwise you might turn conflicts into disasters, and you could be perceived as someone who lacks self-control, unprofessional, and is driven by their instant adrenaline rush.
So, what is it that dictate how you react? Is it facts … or fiction?
